Is It This Or That? Or Will This Always Be A Part of That

Obviously (from previous post), I have been extremely bummed about my diabetes lately. After I was able to successfully get my hands on my Omnipod, at the risk of sounding too cheesy, I was filled with a hope about my future that had alluded me since I was ten years old, asking the doctor how long I had to take shots, and him informing me that I would be required to do this "forever." I felt the many purposes in my life come back to me when I got the pump. Diabetes was, for the first time in a long time, not the first association I made when trying to tell or show people who I was. Like I've said before, I started writing again, painting, attending social events, dating, continued my education and people began asking my opinions and beliefs about many different aspects of life. Now I cannot afford my pump. The company does not offer any assistance that I have been able to find, besides a self-pay discount (woohoo), and I would essentially have to sell my car to get one month's prescription of insulin. I'm back on long-acting Lantus, and Novolog with everything that I eat. I'm back to carrying around syringes and glass vials. It's not so bad, and I know many people have had to do this the whole time I was sporting my pod; however, it feels like it is defeating me. When I get down like this, when I lose hope about my future, especially in relation to my diabetes, none of those other things (art, writing, relationship) seem as important as they once were. I feel helpless. Right now I am in the hospital. I decided that instead of trying to stay positive, and work with what I can in order to maintain my diabetes, I would spite my diabetes. I have done this before in the past, when I was a lonely teenager diabetic, and it never worked out well for me then, either. On the other hand, this time I called for some help. Figured after my sugar is completely recovered, I can get some better resource information. I don't know. I am so embarrassed. Still feel hopeless. I have to do something, though. Thanks for listening, and please do share if you've ever felt this way or gone through something like this. I just want to know if this growing hole of hopelessness inside of me is me. It took a long time for me to realize that my diabetes had the ability to effect so much in my life, like my mood and my thought-processes. Once I was able to recognize this, I thought "wow, so this is a part of that." When I got better with my diabetes management, I was able to see it all a little differently, and I thought, "wow, this doesn't have to be like that." Now, it feels like it was all meant to be a huge tease in the first place, and I'm sitting here in the hospital bed, listening to the medical staff tell me how I can't take care of myself. I'm sitting here listening to this, fighting back tears, barely wanting to live anymore at this point, and I'm thinking, "F*** This and F*** That."