Is It This Or That? Or Will This Always Be A Part of That

Obviously (from previous post), I have been extremely bummed about my diabetes lately. After I was able to successfully get my hands on my Omnipod, at the risk of sounding too cheesy, I was filled with a hope about my future that had alluded me since I was ten years old, asking the doctor how long I had to take shots, and him informing me that I would be required to do this "forever." I felt the many purposes in my life come back to me when I got the pump. Diabetes was, for the first time in a long time, not the first association I made when trying to tell or show people who I was. Like I've said before, I started writing again, painting, attending social events, dating, continued my education and people began asking my opinions and beliefs about many different aspects of life. Now I cannot afford my pump. The company does not offer any assistance that I have been able to find, besides a self-pay discount (woohoo), and I would essentially have to sell my car to get one month's prescription of insulin. I'm back on long-acting Lantus, and Novolog with everything that I eat. I'm back to carrying around syringes and glass vials. It's not so bad, and I know many people have had to do this the whole time I was sporting my pod; however, it feels like it is defeating me. When I get down like this, when I lose hope about my future, especially in relation to my diabetes, none of those other things (art, writing, relationship) seem as important as they once were. I feel helpless. Right now I am in the hospital. I decided that instead of trying to stay positive, and work with what I can in order to maintain my diabetes, I would spite my diabetes. I have done this before in the past, when I was a lonely teenager diabetic, and it never worked out well for me then, either. On the other hand, this time I called for some help. Figured after my sugar is completely recovered, I can get some better resource information. I don't know. I am so embarrassed. Still feel hopeless. I have to do something, though. Thanks for listening, and please do share if you've ever felt this way or gone through something like this. I just want to know if this growing hole of hopelessness inside of me is me. It took a long time for me to realize that my diabetes had the ability to effect so much in my life, like my mood and my thought-processes. Once I was able to recognize this, I thought "wow, so this is a part of that." When I got better with my diabetes management, I was able to see it all a little differently, and I thought, "wow, this doesn't have to be like that." Now, it feels like it was all meant to be a huge tease in the first place, and I'm sitting here in the hospital bed, listening to the medical staff tell me how I can't take care of myself. I'm sitting here listening to this, fighting back tears, barely wanting to live anymore at this point, and I'm thinking, "F*** This and F*** That."

So, I don't know bout any other diabetics like me. Lost my insurance, and I tried to make money with my employment, art and just plain hustling; consequently, I have "clients" stealing insulin for me for "tutoring." I can't make it. This all sucks so much. My mom pays for so much, as well as my girlfriend. Would rather die then have to be so dependent. I hate it. Let me know if you feel the same way, or, better yet, let someone else, anyone else, know. Someone else know. I can't stand it. I can't take care of myself, at 26...I feel like there's no help. I'm gonna hurt everyone I love, but just feel like I can't make anything work without being a burden. Sick of it....

A Drop of Blood in All That I Do

To begin with, I set up a blog a couple of years ago, called Path to Omnipod, after being a type one diabetic since I was ten years old, in which I described my journey towards becoming a better diabetic for the purpose of becoming a user of Omnipod Insulin Pump Therapy. It was about the relevant changes I had to make in my lifestyle in order to get the pump, mostly concerning my diabetes management, daily activities, diet and my growing sense of responsibility to my body. After I became a proud owner of an Omnipod pump, I left my blog in order to assimilate those aspects of my life that were consequently affected into my new lifestyle. As it turns out, every aspect of my life is included in this assimilation. EVERYTHING. Now, after two years of struggling silence, I once again feel the pull and the desire to express this ever-consistent flow of challenges concerning my path towards becoming a better diabetic, becoming a more well-rounded young adult, and my journey towards figuring out and becoming the person I would like to be. I am sure that this journey is typical in many respects, similar to many people's, but I often feel as if the weight of my diabetes is so heavy that it holds me back from attacking life in the way that I have always wanted. However, when I began my transition into better diabetes management, I realized that my potential was greater than I had ever truly expected, and found myself revitalized for my future. Because of this, I find myself seeing a reflection of my diabetes in all aspects of my life: A Drop of Blood in Everything I Do. Currently, I am still in school with no degree at the age of 26. Learning is a passion of mine, but my self-imposed lack of career direction has made schooling difficult. In fact, I am able to earn some money as a tutor in almost every subject (except math, and I treat every class or subject that I tutor as an opportunity to take a college course for free (with no credit, of course). More about that will most likely come out, it is a sensitive subject. I love to paint. I paint canvas with acrylic, but I absolutely love painting my designs on things like tables, chairs, toilet seats and objects like that. Art has been a passion of mine since I was a child, but was also one of the first interests that I abandoned in my troubled youth. Recently, I have found myself inspired to create, and currently sell my art at Art Walks and events around my local area. I hope to be able to share as much art with you all as I can in this blog. On the other hand, the language arts have always been my greatest passion. This is probably why writing is also one of the aspects of my life by which I am most frustrated with in facing the future. I love to express myself with written word more than anything else I do. I also love to read because I feel like that is the way I can best learn about the world, except for real life experience. Another interest that was abandoned in my youth, I was enthusiastic in creating my first blog, getting back into expressing myself this way. It was invigorating. I have done a lot of reading and writing with my schooling and tutoring, but lately, I haven't written much. Hence this new blog. In addition to my posts here, I also hope to share some of my other work with you. Several of my other interests and activities about which I feel are entangled with my diabetes, in one way or another, will be mentioned this blog. Family, with whom I am extremely close, will be a common mention. I am in my first long-term relationship, and I am confident that will be brought up a bunch. My love of travel began as a child of four military parents (my father enlisted Air Force, my stepmother and stepfather enlisted Navy, and my mother an officer in the Navy), but has been a consistent passion of mine as an adult. I have lived in over a handful of different locations, domestic and abroad, and have visited many places all around the world. Besides my current address in Jacksonville, where I have lived for two years, I haven't lived in one single place for much more than a year since I was 12. In addition, I'm sure I will discuss such simple and complex ideas and interests like God, music, politics, popular culture, healthcare, food, the LGBT community, diet soda, addiction, candy, mental health and puppies, as well as an infinite and unknowable array of potential topics. Enjoy!